He Said #4

Zoul, 24

 

I would like to speak about dating and how it’s perceived by Sudanese people. I see this around a lot; people go through many relationships throughout university years and afterwards, but when it comes to marriage they rely on other people (relatives or friends) nominating a person! There is this notion of girls that are dating material and others perceived as marriage material. So people create chaos while dating and when they are done they find someone completely new and whom they usually don’t know that much about and ask her to marry them. It’s like marriage material girls are not date-able, they’re supposed to just sit there and wait for marriage.

I see that if someone was dating a girl and was in love, he should marry her – if she is date-able then she should be marriage-able too. Unfortunately, until today the open minded and cultured ones go through with this habit. I think this is terrible for our community and it’s 2015.

I don’t see myself doing this; I disagree with this concept and abhor this mentality of ‘wreck havoc and date everyone, then when it’s time for marriage go for something else’.

It’s interesting how my male versus female friends perceive this. My male friends think I’m wasting time not being in a relationship, and they strongly recommend going for it just for the fun. My female friends think I’m a nice person (not boasting!) and they’re concerned about me and want to find me the perfect girl.

I think the problem lies in having the same standards for the person one is going to love, date and marry. This is why I’m extremely picky; I seek the same qualities in both the girl I want to fall in love with and marry.

**

I adore the way people fell in love and descibed it in Haqeeba songs. I liked the notion of falling in love with someone and knowing everything about them but being unable to reach them to show this deep sincerity. I wondered how people now use langauge that portrays strong love, but their sincerity is doubtful, unlike the time of haqeeba, when dating wasn’t an option to many.

**

When it comes to me personally, the girl I want to love and marry has a combination of rare qualities. For example, I’m interested in a person who is well aware about Sudan and it’s culture and history and loves our traditions (haqeeba, our language, tobes, hinna, bakhour), at the same time, I want a worldly woman who is well cultured, open minded and modern. So basically, someone who combines these two worlds! Unfortunately it’s rare to find this nowadays; I find either one or the other!

I’m also someone who values investing in relationships and giving it my all to ensure I’ve done my best to make it work. Ultimately, I need the other person to be equally invested, this also makes it hard to find people – the equation is rarely in equilibrium. It could be that we have the same amount of feelings for each other, but there is an embedded mentality that girls must wait for the guy to be the proactive one.

My dream lady should also be an independent, career driven and an active player in society. I enjoy having deep conversations about Sudanese affairs and she has to be involved and aware of politics and social matters – a revolutionary too! It would be ideal if we protested together and then headed over to ozone to recuperate.

Given all broad points, I have to say it’s really hard finding someone. I must add I’m also picky, which isn’t good – but I’m good in many other ways. Honestly, no one is perfect and I’m not seeking perfection, but I would rather go for something promising than be in aimless relationships to pass time. We all have a minimum standard, and it takes a few days of getting to know someone to realize whether they’ll be a good match  or not- for a relationship or eventually marriage.

 

I really hope I can find her soon, to share love equally and with the same level of investment. I really don’t mind if she picks up the cheque! It won’t make me less of a man, it’s her way of showing me her love. I’m actually a feminist, and this leads many women to wonder whether this makes me less of a man. I think this is nonsense, because what does it even mean to be a man? What’s important is to be a gentleman, who understands the other person is a whole being, just like you and there should be a healthy level of equality.

 

**

Weddings…! I’m against the notion that one should get married for the sake of just getting it done. I certainly hope I’ll eventually find someone to build a life with and have children with. However, I don’t want to do that because I have to; I want to find that “it” woman who makes it impossible for me to imagine a life without her as my partner and wife. I put a plan to prepare myself for marriage by 30, but that only means that if I found someone by then I’d go for it, otherwise I’ll keep looking. I know that at that age I’ll be more mature, responsible and advanced in my career to  be able to create a livelihood for us and a family. I’m not referring to the economical aspects, because people can make do with whatever they have. I’m referring to being ready and dedicated to this part of life; by that time I hope to have lived and experienced what I wished for, so I leave no room for regrets of idle curiosity.

**

If you’re interested in participating in this series, kindly send your story and commentary to muniness@hotmail.com in Arabic or English.

muniness@hotmail.com لو عايزين تشاركوا في السلسلة دي ممكن ترسلوا آرائكم و تعليقاتكم على


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